De‑tense your code reviews
Give feedback that lands without defensiveness.
Test your feedback EQWhy this works
Stating what you heard first lowers ego threat. Then feedback is easier to accept and ship.
Try these drills
Summarize before you argue
1 minute- State the other view in one clear line.
- Ask: 'Did I get that right?'
- Share your view and suggest the next step.
Outcome: Lowers heat and builds shared understanding.
Mechanism: When people feel understood, defensiveness drops. Then logic lands and you can reach agreement faster.
Scripts
Clean apology
- you: I missed the expectation and that affected your timeline. I will do X by end of day and add Y check. Anything else you need?
Why this works: Owning impact plus a concrete fix restores trust faster than excuses or vague promises.
What to measure
- fewer escalations
- time to agreement
- post meeting sentiment
FAQ
Will these scripts sound robotic?▼
They are templates. Use your own words. Simple beats clever.
What if the other person gets upset?▼
Return to a short summary, name the impact, and suggest the next step.